He's into clown sex! She pees her pants when she laughs!
"Stay tuned for these and whooolllee lot more baggage!" Jerry says, limply throwing up his arms and tossing his head back. Every episode it's the same goofy gesture, which I read as his plea for mercy: looking up to the ceiling, shaking his hands, begging to be put out of this misery.
I watch this nauseating treat exclusively in the company of my hometown friends. When we reunite during holiday weekends in our place of origin, we'll surely devote an hour to a few episodes. The basements where we fuck-boyed around as adolescents makes a fitting setting for the unabashedly trashy spectacle of Baggage. It's a safe place for us to enjoy some contained regression.
During the first round, when the contestants open their smallest bags, we begin our participation and commentary on the rounds:
"He sleeps with his pets?! Not sure he's my favorite."
"Ah, she's hot enough to put up with eleven kids."
"The ex has keys to the house!? I'm sorry but no."
The suspense comes in the second round where the baggage is revealed anonymously. From these confessions, the bachelor/ette must eliminate one, blind to the contestant to whom the baggage belongs.
"Ok Jerry, whoever is in $225,000 in debt, you're baggage is too much for me. I'm sorry but you've gotta go"
It is then that Jerry prompts the suitors, "it is now time to claim your,"--he bows his head solemnly--"baggage."
High stakes.
While yes, we too would disqualify whoever hosts homeless men on his couch, we wait anxiously, afraid that our favorite contestant may be said offender, who must walk off the show. The three contenders mill around the confessions, settling next to a bag. Invariably, the contestants switch places, having faked us out, to stand next to their real bag, revealing who gets kicked off.
"Him?! He's so handsome! Why would he need to look at every text his girlfriend sends?!"
Down to two, the chooser probes the contestants about these red flags, making all too much room Jerry's horribly scripted one-liners. He drops these with the minimal gusto they deserve. In one surreal moment, Jerry summoned a crew-member onstage to read the teleprompted line into his collar-mic; apparently the joke was so bad he refused to speak it.
Finally the two remainders reveal their biggest bags.He was kicked out of church for having sex in the pews! The best sex she ever had was with a ghost! The bachelor/ette makes their final choice. We cheer or lament according to our sympathies.
"Man, I was rooting for him. It's a shame he's celibate."
But the real climax comes when the chooser must reveal their bag. Jerry presents three possibilities of what their secret is, and the victorious contestant identifies the biggest deal-breaker. Often enough, the deal-breaker is revealed as the true baggage--sex is in fact his only priority in relationships!-- but it's in fact rare that the suitor turns down their chooser. I find it satisfying when that does happen.
So for anybody looking for an easily consumed dose of indulgent, voyeuristic, cringe-inducing television, let me recommend Baggage! But I must too air a critical warning or complaint on the show. Baggage's very set up scandalizes people's kinks, and frames them as deal-breakers. While the contestants do defend themselves, it does not promote open-mindedness as much as gut-reactions of disgust. This is not
Furthermore, many of these big reveals underwhelm me. Maybe it's because I'm a millennial and/or New Yorker but--I just served my husband with divorce papers! She practices BDSM! He has sex once a month! I expect my husband to be a stay-at-home dad!--none of these are really that shocking or necessarily deal-breaking. Of course not that I'm part of the deal-making here, but would that really get in the way of a date? It's just a date! It seems that every contestant has been on a number of these. The mystery of why people appear on the show, why they're poised to embarrass themselves, why they read from humiliating scripts, all to go on a date, gives the show its magnetism.
Maybe, just maybe, these first dates exceed all other first dates: this new couple, their skeletons well out of the closet, may have more freedom and self-expression around their secrets, and room to grow. At least that's what I tell myself in those suburban basements when I'm pointing and cackling at these hopefully lucky lovers.